her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
