Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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