Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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