There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
