I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
