They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
