Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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