I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
