the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
