So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
