I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
