I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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