Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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