i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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