am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
