I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
