I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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