im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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