she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
