the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
