I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
