he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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