You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
