burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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