i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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