just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
