so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
