they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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