I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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