he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
