I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
