My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
