My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
