fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
