There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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