Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
