We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
