reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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