I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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