my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
