So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love having hate sex.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
