i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
