the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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