there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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