Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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