I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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