You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
