You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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