dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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