it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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