I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
