Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
