Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
