I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
